FAMILY GUY

I haven't posted in a while, there was nothing really that floated my boat, or got me so worked up that I had to make comment. Due though, to a conversation with a work colleague earlier who mentioned I hadn't posted for a while (it shows someone takes the time to read my thoughts) I decided to give it a go tonight. Plus, of course, I'm sure it gives my Libertarian friends something to occupy their lives for a few minutes at least, where they can point out my atrocious grammar (yes, I obviously went to a Comprehensive), who may have wondered if my raving lefty rants had dwindled faster than the number of friends the current incumbent of 10 Downing Street currently has.

I fervently pray, that the majority of you have some knowledge of the magnificent Fox American Broadcasting Company animated television sitcom 'Family Guy'. For those ignorant of this extremely offensive and extremely funny show, the central character is Peter Griffin. He's a bumbling, but well-intentioned, blue-collar worker. His wife Lois is a stay-at-home mother from a family of wealthy socialites. Peter and Lois have three children: Meg, their teenage daughter, who is frequently the butt of Peter's jokes due to her lack of popularity; Chris, their teenage son, who is overweight and unintelligent, and Stewie, their infant son of ambiguous sexual orientation who has adult mannerisms and speaks fluently with stereotypical archvillain phrases and an accent based on old British movie stars such as Rex Harrison. Living with the family is Brian, the family dog, who drinks martinis and smokes cigarettes.

Anyway, as I perused the Torygraph earlier (keep your enemies closer etc...) I came across this wonderful article describing the leader of the oppositions appearance on This Morning earlier in the day. Full text of article, as per post title as usual, click on the title.

'Mr Cameron told ITV viewers that if the polls were correct and he won the election, he would ensure that he had sufficient time to relax' - erm, its yours to fucking lose old son, and don't worry, because if you somehow manage to fuck this golden opportunity up it will be YOU who lost the election, not your Tory mates.

'Asked by presenter Hollys' Willoughbys (aren't they magnificent?) if he was concerned about the impact becoming prime minister would have on his wife, Samantha, and their two young children, he said: “I do worry about it but I've always believed that it must be possible to be a good father and be a good husband and to be a good party leader and a good prime minister at the same time.' - platitudes, upon platitudes, upon platitudes, ad infinitum.

'In the end, being Prime Minister is mostly about the judgements that you make and the character and the sense you bring to those big judgements and you need to be in a calm and sensible frame of mind.' - Really? No? Is it? Fuck me, YOU ARE SUCH A CUNT!

'Mrs Cameron is said to insist that he leaves the Commons early at least twice a week for a family supper, and he likes to be home for bath time once a week as well. He usually takes his breakfast with his daughter, Nancy, five, and son, Arthur, three. The couple’s oldest son, Ivan, died last year aged eight from a rare form of severe epilepsy.' - First off, being the father of a beautiful young son myself, I honestly felt for him upon hearing of Ivan's death. BUT, and it's a BIG BUT, Dear Mrs Cameron you can insist all you like love, but when DC learns that Iran has finally loosed one off in the direction of Israel, I guarantee you, he won't be home early for his fucking fish and chips supper. Secondly, when he has to honour the cheques that GB, Darling & Labour INC. have been writing these past years, he won't be tucking into his fucking Ready Break or Sugar Puffs with Nancy & Arthur of a morning.

'I thought about it again when I was walking through this unbelievable valley in Spain, and I thought: ‘You really do need some time when the head can empty, whoever you are.' - Forgive me, is it just me, or is the next dead-cert potential PM losing his fucking marbles already?

'You lose your judgment. If you are tired, you make bad judgments – simple as that.' - Empty rhetoric again, who the fuck is voting for this man in the polls? Who the fuck wants him to be the next PM?

Where was I? Oh yes, Family Guy. Have I been dreaming? have I been watching an extended Family Guy episode? Did Seth MacFarlane base Cameron on Peter Griffin? or was it the other way round?
I'm confused. My favourite line from Family Guy is:

Camhead (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.)
Camhead (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Osborne: Because you touch yourself at night.

NOWHERE MAN

So while Lennon & McCartney were indulging in their passion for hallucinogenic substances back in 1965, I wonder whilst tripping, did they end up in our election year of 2010? Because upon reading what I stumbled across earlier (click title for link), I'm sure they wrote this particular song just for CamHead.

He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?

Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lend you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Seriously I might have to indulge myself if this lot get elected, as they have absolutely no Policies whatsoever, none, nil, zilch, FUCK ALL!

MR CLEAN

Mendacious.
From the Latin - mendācium (genitive mendāciī); n, second declension
1. A lie, untruth, falsehood, fiction.
2. An illusion, counterfeit.

That's all I have to say on the smarmy cunt's new year message.

Goodnight.

FAMILY VALUES

The Big Man himself is obviously a joker, especially at the time we celebrate the birth of His one and only son. Only Divine Intervention could have given us the story reported on Christmas Eve in the London Evening Standard.

David Ross is 44 years old, he is the multi-millionaire co-founder of Carphone Warehouse. He will be hosting a dinner next month for senior Conservative party figures. Mr Ross has donated £140,000 to the party, and is a key adviser on education policy. He has been tipped for a peerage if Mr Cameron becomes prime minister.

Sniezana Kobeniak is 30 years old. She is orginally from Lithuania, and has lived in Britain for at least four years. She has a mews flat in central London. She works as an escort girl. For those of you who are heard of hearing, SHE WORKS AS AN ESCORT GIRL.

Metropolitan police officers were called to Mr Ross's Belgravia home at 5.45am on Friday after Ms Kobeniak claimed to have been assaulted inside and outside the property in a row about money for "services rendered". The incident on Friday came after Ross and his 23-year-old girlfriend attended a party in Notting Hill, at which Mr Cameron himself, and his wife Samantha were guests.

Michael Gove, shadow children's secretary and one of Mr Cameron's closest allies, spoke about Mr Ross's "passion" for education. "He has devoted time, money and energy to ensuring children in the poorest areas enjoy the sort of schooling that can give them good opportunities. His heart is in the right place when it comes to public service. I hope that he will continue to be able to play a big role helping in the future."

In a speech to the Welsh Conservative conference earlier this year Mr Cameron said, "We want to see a more responsible society, where people behave in a decent and civilised way, where they understand their obligations to others, to their neighbours, to their country, and above all, to their family."

Christmas and Conservative party Family values. First fucking class. Thank you God.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

WEE WILLIE WINKIE

Onything but sleep, you rogue! glow'ring like the mune,
Rattling in an airn jug wi' an airn spoone,
Rumbling, tumbling round about, crawing like a cock,
Skirlin' like a kenna-what, wauk'ning sleeping fock.

William Miller, original text, 1841.


I have previously blogged in The Iceman Cometh and Inglourious Basterds (see below) about the dispute between Unite & BucketAirlines, the worlds' favourite airline. My main concern was with Wee Willie Winkie Walsh (annual Salary £700,000+) who was determined to prevent the industrial action by his employees (average annual salary £20,000) from going ahead. Now on BA's own website, their main tenet for preventing action was thus;

"We are commencing legal action in an attempt to protect customers (average annual salary £22,000) from the massive stress and disruption..."
"We are absolutely determined to do whatever we can to protect our customers (average annual salary £22,000)..."
"We are delighted for our customers (average annual salary £22,000) that the threat of a Christmas strike has been lifted by the court."

Really? I have 3 words for you Willie:

1. YOU
2. FUCKING
3. LIAR

Allow me if you will to quote from your own Pravda masquerading website;

"You will not be able to get a refund if you choose to travel on another airline or make alternative travel arrangements."
"We will not cover any costs if you changed your plans and recommend you contact your travel insurance company for advice."
"...if you made alternative arrangements on another airline, this will be at your own cost."
"No, we will not cover costs if you made alternative arrangements before the court ruling was held."

So there it is, his fait accompli, Wee Will Winkie has in fact been royally fucking his employees and his customers from behind for so long, he could probably do it in his sleep.

"Wee Willie Winkie" as you all know is a Scottish nursery rhyme, whose titular figure has become popular the world over as a personification of sleep. I bet Walsh and his board sleep like fucking babies.

TRANS-SIBERIA EXPRESS

According to The Eurotunnel website, you can get from Calais to Folkestone in 35 minutes. There's some lovely pictures of happy smiling passengers, with the tag "Where will you be in 35 minutes?"
Prices start at £44 per car for a day/overnight stay. There's even their commitment to "Green Energy" with a statement from The Carbon Trust Standard which certifies that Eurotunnel has genuinely reduced its carbon footprint. And? So? What? I hear you say.

Quite right, enough of the free advertising for these idiots.

Oh, and before any smart arse points out that Eurostar & Eurotunnel are totally different, guess what? They both use the same tunnels. I have an acquaintance, honestly, who believes that there must be different tunnels and routes because one departs London but arrives in Paris, with the other leaving Folkestone, and arriving in Calais. I didn't have the heart to tell him the Calais terminus is actually in Coquelles, as that would have contributed to the equivalent of Chernobyl going off in his poor brain. I digress.

In case you've been on holiday to Hawaii and hadn't noticed, it's rather chilly in the Garden of England at the moment. I mean we've had a weeks notice that Arctic conditions would sweep in from Siberia and give us a right old taste of the Gulags' favourite climate. It is a TUNNEL after all, so no problems there with the weather. You'd expect a 21st century, state of the art transport franchise to be prepared for a dusting of the white stuff wouldn't you? WRONG YOU FUCKERS!

Some 2,000 travellers were stuck without light, air-conditioning, food or water after the trains broke down in the tunnels for over 16 hours yesterday. There's more misery predicted today as both companies do "test runs" to see if all systems are go for Monday.

Eurostar chief executive Richard Brown (I bet his pants were brown when he received the phone call telling him, "Boss, you're not going to believe this, but...)" said the trains failed as they left the cold air in northern France and entered the warmer air inside the tunnel. This is the 21st century you fucker. As a species we have explored the temperature extremes of Space, we've established permanent bases at both Poles, my 3 year old son has a fucking Meccano set that survives his bathtime routine. What the fuck have your engineers been doing with the zillions of Pounds & Euros you've suckered off the British & French governments?

Back to my opening paragraph and their website. Surely it should read Calais to Folkestone in, erm, fuck knows? Pictures of pissed off mum & dads berating their pissed off children. Prices include a full refund of your ticket price and a free ticket to enjoy the train journey from hell again in the future. As for the carbon footprint reduction, how about, we don't have a carbon footprint, because we don't fucking travel anywhere?

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

I really am fucked off with this one. The wording of the statement by BA is just incredulous, the smug basterds (I know it's bastards but I feel like going on a Tarantino inspired tourettes spree).

Before I get going though, let me assure you dear reader, I am not a BA employee, nor am I a member of Unite. I couldn't give two shits what happens to Walsh & the world's favourite airline, I'd rather fly with BucketAirlines. I am a simple human being.

There is currently another on going industrial dispute, not yet widely reported, but you will no doubt hear about it very soon, that has involved Management obtaining an injunction to prevent a strike going ahead. This time, employees found out that without any consultation whatsoever, Management intended to remove up to £5000 from their hard earned wage packets. To Managements complete surprise a ballot was conducted that resulted in excess of a 90% 'Yes' to strike action. You can guess the rest, an injunction was duly obtained due to 'irregularities' with how the ballot was conducted, to prevent the planned day of action going ahead.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that any board of directors can easily obtain an injunction from some red robed Muppet in a wig, after all, they're all probably in the same lodge, and enjoyed tickling each others erect phalluses with a feather when they joined the lodge after leaving Eton.

What concerns me is the complete lack of respect for their employees, and lack of negotiations. They talk about their poor customers who they've being having anal intercourse with anyway since time immemorial. Where does 'old style militancy' come into it? The Unions are simply defending their members hard earned contracts and living standards.

For further reading about how a government wages war on its own citizens one should read David Peace's gut wrenching GB84.

As Hunny Bunny said "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!"