TRANS-SIBERIA EXPRESS

According to The Eurotunnel website, you can get from Calais to Folkestone in 35 minutes. There's some lovely pictures of happy smiling passengers, with the tag "Where will you be in 35 minutes?"
Prices start at £44 per car for a day/overnight stay. There's even their commitment to "Green Energy" with a statement from The Carbon Trust Standard which certifies that Eurotunnel has genuinely reduced its carbon footprint. And? So? What? I hear you say.

Quite right, enough of the free advertising for these idiots.

Oh, and before any smart arse points out that Eurostar & Eurotunnel are totally different, guess what? They both use the same tunnels. I have an acquaintance, honestly, who believes that there must be different tunnels and routes because one departs London but arrives in Paris, with the other leaving Folkestone, and arriving in Calais. I didn't have the heart to tell him the Calais terminus is actually in Coquelles, as that would have contributed to the equivalent of Chernobyl going off in his poor brain. I digress.

In case you've been on holiday to Hawaii and hadn't noticed, it's rather chilly in the Garden of England at the moment. I mean we've had a weeks notice that Arctic conditions would sweep in from Siberia and give us a right old taste of the Gulags' favourite climate. It is a TUNNEL after all, so no problems there with the weather. You'd expect a 21st century, state of the art transport franchise to be prepared for a dusting of the white stuff wouldn't you? WRONG YOU FUCKERS!

Some 2,000 travellers were stuck without light, air-conditioning, food or water after the trains broke down in the tunnels for over 16 hours yesterday. There's more misery predicted today as both companies do "test runs" to see if all systems are go for Monday.

Eurostar chief executive Richard Brown (I bet his pants were brown when he received the phone call telling him, "Boss, you're not going to believe this, but...)" said the trains failed as they left the cold air in northern France and entered the warmer air inside the tunnel. This is the 21st century you fucker. As a species we have explored the temperature extremes of Space, we've established permanent bases at both Poles, my 3 year old son has a fucking Meccano set that survives his bathtime routine. What the fuck have your engineers been doing with the zillions of Pounds & Euros you've suckered off the British & French governments?

Back to my opening paragraph and their website. Surely it should read Calais to Folkestone in, erm, fuck knows? Pictures of pissed off mum & dads berating their pissed off children. Prices include a full refund of your ticket price and a free ticket to enjoy the train journey from hell again in the future. As for the carbon footprint reduction, how about, we don't have a carbon footprint, because we don't fucking travel anywhere?